Sunday, September 25, 2011

God of War and Douchery (here be spoilers)

I have a friend who loves the God of War franchise. Often when I come over to visit, he plays part of one of the games at some point. I'm no gamer, but I enjoy watching others play, especially when it's a story driven game. So I've learned a lot about God of War from him.

When I first heard about God of War and, specifically, it's protagonist I had one thought. "Kratos (the protagonist) is a douche." Having learned more about the franchise and it's hero (i use the term loosely here) I still hold to my original view. However, it's tempered by the knowledge that everyone else is a douche too.

Kratos lives in a world of douchery. The gods are douches, the people are douches, the creatures are douches. Anyone who attempts not to be a douche dies. Anyone who is a douche also dies, albeit in a more violent and grotesque manner and after a nice long life of douchiness. The point is, you can't win in Kratos' world. But you'll live longer if you're a douche.

See for yourselves. (Chains of Olympus, Ghost of Sparta and Betrayal are not in this synopsis. also, certain events may be out of order. i'm sorry if this is so, let me know and i'll try to fix it)

Before God of War
*Gaia and Uranus come from the Chaos*
*They make love and have lots of babies*
*Uranus is a douche*
*Uranus throws his kids into Tartarus*
*Tartarus is a bad place*
*Gaia is pissed*
*Gaia makes sickle*
*Gaia asks her kids to use sickle to castrate Uranus*
*Why can't Gaia do it herself? Because she's a douche*
*Cronos castrates his father, Uranus*
*Gaia warns Cronos that his kids will destroy him*
*Cronos does the only logical thing and eats his children*
*Children are gods and don't die in his stomach*
*God-children are bored out of their minds*
*Rhea, their mother, is pissed*
*Rhea sends last child, Zeus, to Gaia*
*Rhea feeds Cronos a rock instead*
*Gaia raises Zeus*
*Zeus decides to take down his father*
*Zeus takes down his father*
*Zeus frees his siblings*
*Zeus and siblings throw Cronos in Tartarus*
*Zeus and siblings throw a lot of other Titans into Tartarus*
*Said Titans hadn't really done anything*
*Kind of a douche move, guys*
*Gaia is pissed*
*Gods rule Olympus*
*Zeus gets it on with the human, Callisto*
*Callisto gives birth to Kratos*
*Callisto raises Kratos, tries to teach him not to be a douche*
*Callisto fails*
*Kratos joins Spartan army*
*Spartans are kinda douchey*
*Kratos falls in love with Lysandra*
*Lysandra is not douchey*
*Kratos marries Lysandra*
*Lysandra gives birth to Calliope*
*Calliope is not douchey*
*Kratos is a happy man*
*Kratos is still a douche*
*Kratos fights barbarians*
*Kratos starts to lose*
*Kratos is about to be killed by barbarian chieftain*
*Kratos calls out to Ares for aid*
*Ares helps Kratos*
*Kratos wins battle*
*Kratos is now Ares' faithful servant*
*Ares is a douche*
*Kratos does douche things for Ares*
*Ares decides that Kratos' family is holding him back from his true douche potential*
*Ares tricks Kratos into killing his family*
*Kratos is devastated*
*Kratos is pissed*
*Ares is amused*
*Ares is a douche*
*Kratos has nightmares about killing his family*
*Kratos seeks the gods help*
*Gods are like "do things for us and we'll take your nightmares away"*
*Kratos does things for the gods*
*Gods don't take nightmares away*
*Kratos is pissed*
*Gods are douches*
God of War
*Gods decide Ares is a douche*
*Gods want Ares dead*
*Gods ask Kratos to kill Ares*
*Kratos agrees if they'll finally take his nightmares away*
*Gods agree to do this*
*Kratos goes on a long, epic quest to get Pandora's Box to kill Ares*
*Ares kills Kratos*
*Kratos dies*
*Kratos gets better*
*Kratos opens Pandora's Box*
*Evils in Pandora's Box corrupt gods, making them douchier than before*
*Kratos gets power-up*
*Kratos fights Ares*
*Ares is a douche*
*Kratos kills Ares*
*Gods are freaked out that Kratos actually managed to kill a god, despite the fact they wanted him to do it*
*Kratos asks for his nightmares to be removed*
*Gods split hairs and don't take his nightmares away*
*Gods are douches*
*Kratos tries to commit suicide*
*Athena stops Kratos and offers him the (now empty) position of god of war*
*Athena is less douchey than the other gods*
*Kratos accepts*
God of War II
*Kratos helps the Spartans conquer Greece*
*Gods are unhappy about this*
*Zeus tricks Kratos into losing his powers*
*Zeus kills Kratos*
*Zeus was afraid Kratos would kill him*
*Zeus kills Spartans, because he can*
*Zeus is a douche*
*Gaia wants to kill Zeus and other gods*
*Gaia saves Kratos*
*Gaia offers to team up*
*Kratos wants to kill Zeus*
*Kratos accepts her help*
*Kratos goes on epic quest to change Fate*
*Kratos kills a lot of people*
*Kratos kills the Fates*
*Kratos goes back in time*
*Kratos frees the Titans*
*Kratos beats up Zeus*
*Athena tries to stop Kratos from killing Zeus*
*Kratos accidentally kills Athena*
*Kratos is sad*
*Zeus escapes*
*Kratos finds out Zeus is his father*
*Kratos is pissed*
*Kratos attacks Olympus with Titans*
God of War III
*Death and douchery ensue*
*Titans betray Kratos*
*Titans are douches*
*Kratos is pissed*
*Kratos kills a lot of gods and Titans*
*Athena (in ghost form) offers to help Kratos*
*Kratos accepts*
*Kratos needs Pandora's Box*
*Zeus puts Pandora's Box in the Flame of Olympus*
*Pandora is the key to sealing the Flame of Olympus, meaning she has to die to unseal the Box*
*Pandora reminds Kratos of his daughter, Calliope*
*Pandora is not a douche*
*Kratos gets attached to Pandora*
*Pandora dies*
*Pandora's Box is empty, meaning Pandora died for nothing*
*Kratos is pissed*
*Kratos kills Zeus*
*Athena reveals herself to be a douche*
*Kratos has the power of Hope*
*Athena wants it to rule the world*
*Kratos kills himself, releasing Hope to all mankind*
*Athena is pissed*
*Kratos may not be dead*
*God of War IV?*

I rest my case.

I've come to love God of War, talking with my friend and watching him play. But man, everyone's a douche!

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